Please allow me to vent for one moment. Here is my message to you, Indian Summer: Blow me. 85 degrees with high humidity in October is not just ridiculous it borders on unseemly. Please commence average autumn temperatures at once or you'll be hearing from my uh, solicitor. Good day.
Ahem. Now on to what I really wanted to post about.
Last weekend some friends had a lovely shower brunch for me. After eating my weight in french toast casserole (oh-la-la!) I asked them for advice on having a second since most of them are moms of more than one. Here is some of what they told me:
1. Give up the guilt. Inevitably you will have feelings of guilt because you just can't be everything to both of them. The guilty feelings need to be put in a box and sent away because you're doing the best you can.
2. It's good to have a car with a big enough back seat where they can't touch each other when in their carseats.
3. You don't have to be the perfect mom, just good enough. Your standards will slide and your energy will fail but ultimately your kids will be fine.
4. Duct tape.
5. Ask for help when you need it because people will not offer it as readily this time around. And really, ask for help, you will need it.
6. Try to remember during rough times that you are giving them both something really special: a sibling relationship.
7. Don't feel bad about having really negative thoughts about your firstborn. They can be real pains when the baby comes and it's okay to really, really not like them at times.
8. If they both start crying at the same time, change rooms. Whether you bring them along is your call.
When we were sitting there I was honestly moved to tears. Because, okay, one, I am pregnant, but two because I realized they were speaking to the fears I was having but not really dealing with consciously. I am very scared about being able to be a good mom to two when there are days I am barely able to scrape up the stuff to handle one. I know that I'll be able to do it simply because there's no other choice but it was comforting to hear that they were able to get through it and come out of it with such sensible things to say. If any of you have advice to add I'd love to hear it. Now I'm off to go sit in the one room in the house that still has an air conditioner installed in it. I'm watching you, October. Shape up.
One bright spot is that your panic period will probably be shorter with the second one than it was with the first. You know deep down that you are capable of caring for a newborn, because you've already done it. So your moment-to-moment fears will probably subside pretty soon. The joke about letting #2 eat off the floor has some truth to it, and that level of relaxation is very welcome, and probably necessary to survive. If you do happen to notice that, try to see it as a small favor.
Posted by: braine | October 08, 2007 at 11:16 PM
Whatever you do, don't forget to breathe. And enjoy that second baby, because she will grow up even faster than the first. One day you will turn around and she'll be talking and copying everything her big brother does, and you'll wonder where the time went.
Also: The sound of two little kids laughing at each other is the best sound in the world.
Posted by: DadaMama | October 09, 2007 at 08:17 AM
Wow, a brunch shower, that sounds lovely.
I wish I had some good parenting advice for you, but since I'm not a parent I'm ill-equipped to provide any. The asking for help part sounded particularly good...
Posted by: Assertagirl | October 09, 2007 at 10:05 AM
mmmm...french toast...
Posted by: kara | October 09, 2007 at 05:15 PM
Here's my advice: what they said. Two kids are hard for about two months until you get all the logistics figured out (with one exception, phone calls - phone calls will never be easy, but at least the children bond in their common effort to drive you totally batshit crazy when you're on the phone).
Oh! I thought of something real. The anger/frustration you feel with Lowell when you're trying to get the hang of nursing and caring for a newborn again may be exacerbated by PPD - just keep that in mind, as it will make you feel less guilty about being pissed at him (or yourself, your husband, the world, etc.).
Oh - another thing. Watch out for Lowell putting stuff in her mouth. Snacks and such. That always happens.
Posted by: Mignon | October 09, 2007 at 10:19 PM
Two kids. I promise you'll never regret it.
Posted by: wordgirl | October 09, 2007 at 11:11 PM
Congrats!! :)
I'm being a twitter-tattler!
Posted by: Chair | October 11, 2007 at 02:28 PM
I am only just now seeing this (and, ah, checking for news/photos/details!). And even though I have two already and having been doing this for a few months, it's still nice to see my tough times validated.
Three weeks and then three months were the magic numbers for me, getting the survival skills down and then really starting to enjoy life.
I'm very excited for you. You will do wonderfullly.
Posted by: supa | October 12, 2007 at 11:40 AM
I'm only four weeks into having two and so definitely no expert, but I will say that while it's true that my firstborn drove me crazy for the first couple of weeks after the baby was born, he's gotten much better recently. (I know there will continue to be ups and downs... like for the next twenty years.) And though I have moments of short patience with him, I'm also experiencing a renewal of love and appreciation for him, as well. One, because in marvelling at everything that is wonderful about my newborn, I'm reminded of his newborn days and sort of reliving those in memory. Two, because he's so cool in so many ways that the baby (wonderful as she is) is not. I love his little voice, the crazy funny stuff he comes up with and the fact that he can tell me what he needs.
Posted by: E. | October 13, 2007 at 06:20 PM
My biggest fear was that I was being disloyal to my first by having another. I had NO idea how much the capacity of my heart would grow.
Posted by: MammaLoves | October 14, 2007 at 11:50 AM