Pressure Drop

You know how the Universe is never supposed to give you more than you can handle? Well the Universe is really pushing the envelope these days. I had one of those weeks where if I was in any other job, be it medicine, law or business I might say "Oh to hell with the student loan debt and the lost years and the peer disapproval, I'm outta here." But there is no getting out of this parenting gig as much as I wish some days I could quit. Or at least get a freaking lunch break.

I am so frustrated because I still have not learned the lesson that I am NOT IN CHARGE. That parenting is about an exact a science as dandelion blowing and no amount of book reading or late night Googling is ever going to give me THE ANSWER. (I apologize for the all caps but they are necessary today). I keep thinking that with enough time I will find the right technique or the use the perfect words and *poof* it will all be easier. I don't even want perfect, I just want easier. But then I have days like today where Lowell tests every inch of me and I fail repeatedly and I just want to go into a hole and stay there for a few days but, oh yeah, I have a baby to nurse and hopefully make eye contact with today. And the dog needs to be fed. I am sure many of you out there have moments like this. When you realize that no matter how good a mom you want to be you will always fall short because that's what being a human is all about. Please just know that at that moment when you sit your kid in front of Diego or Backyardigans just so you can have a few minutes to cry your eyes out at the kitchen table that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I am doing it too.

Did I also mention that I have a head cold? Not helping my general mood. My sinuses are so bad that at one moment today I actually felt an atmospheric shift in pressure IN MY FACE. I was walking from one room to the other this morning and suddenly my head felt like it was inside an airplane at takeoff. It was very, very, very weird. And because I am a weather geek and check the forecast first thing in the morning I knew that a front was moving through and I thought, well, should be raining soon. And then, good golly, it did. Behold, it is I, the human barometer.

Comments

[Assertagirl]

Alana, you write terrific posts about being a parent. I consider you my personal guide on the subject. Will you be coming to SF this July?

[LetterB]

Ha! I can't imagine anything I'd be a worse guide for. But thank you. And yes, hope to be there in July.

[Orange]

What's 365 times 18? Roughly 7,000 days where your kids will be in the house. If they are fed, clothed, sheltered, and kept safe, you have done all right by them. You don't have to be Super! Wonder! Mom! all 7,000 of those days—just a smattering here and there. Keep 'em safe, let 'em know they're loved when they're not driving you absolutely bonkers, and you're a good mom. No abuse? No neglect? Just a little can't-be-helped shrieking-in-frustration from time to time? You are doing fine.

My therapist mentioned "good enough parenting." I don't know much about it, but really, so many of us load expectations onto ourselves that aren't necessary. Nobody is a perfect parent. Everyone has rough days (or weeks, or months, or years—ages 2 to 4 were really tough with my kid). Do what you're able to do, and cut yourself a lot of slack.

My cousin has a barometer in her head, too. She can tell when it's about to rain because a migraine starts to kick in. One time, she said, "It's gonna rain. My head feels funny," and I said don't be silly, it really doesn't look like rain. About a half hour later, the skies darkened and the rain began. Holy crap! If only you human barometers could harness your skills in a way that you could make big money.

[Katie]

You poor thing. I take it this means you won't be joining us tonight? Sometimes a drink is the best cure for a crappy week, but then again it sounds like your head may explode all over us. Hope you feel better soon.

[kara]

you are a wonderful mother, alana. hang in there. you are doing a great job! xoxoxoxooxoxox

[Marni]

You are soooo not alone! Hang in there!

[Noelle]

I feel that way without kids sometimes. But kids sounds like it's a lot harder, because there's no such thing as "forget that, I'm not doing it." Sending you good thoughts!

[Mignon]

Hi. (Sorry I've been bad about commenting.) Orange said all the good stuff I wanted to say. Man, I had a revelation yesterday. I am so glad my kids are past the infant stage, because nothing I've done in life was harder on my emotional well-being than that period in my life. It was so so so hard. Friends with three kids keep asking me when we're going to have a third, and I laugh and say, "I don't think that's going to happen." But in reality, I'm not laughing at all, and inside I'm saying, "You've got to be fucking kidding me, because that will NEVER happen."

On a side note - I watched a marathon of The Dog Whisperer this weekend (lots of time at the in-laws, watching lots of cable we don't have), and it was remarkable how many techniques seemed suited for both dogs and kids. I think I'm going to start doing that FSSST! thing. I like that.

Good luck, Alana. Nobody will think any worse of you if Lowell watches Finding Nemo for three hours a day. I think that's how we got through portions of Madeleine's third year.

[kyran]

I took mine to the zoo on Friday afternoon, and for the first time in nine years, felt like I could say, "it's getting easier!" I didn't have to lug or push anyone around, nurse anyone, hover over anyone.

And last summer? I could finally sit by the pool and read things.

I know the next challenge level is right around the corner for me. but I can tell you there will be a little respite down the road!

xo

[Anne]

Oh dear. Much sympathy.

[LetterB]

You guys have no idea how much these comments have helped. Today was even worse! But I just laughed! Because I know I'm completely f*cked but at least I have company! Thank you so much.

[knisk]

Sorry to hear "pressure drop a drop on you". But they do say that "when it drop drop you gonna feel it".

[crazyunclekev]

You worry too much.....Nothing a little spanking and locked in the closet time won't cure....now about the kids ;-)

[E.]

I'm coming in late on this one thanks to my own crazy week, but let me reiterate: you are not alone. There are days when I find myself saying "is this really me saying these things I thought I'd never say, speaking in this tone of voice, fighting with a frigging five-year-old?"

Amen to Orange. Good enough parenting is wonderful parenting, because we hold ourselves to such high expectations that falling short of the mark tends to be pretty damn good anyway, in the long run.

[juliloquy]

My hat's off to you. I told my husband just this morning that if I were a sahm, I'm not sure our 3.5-year-old would make it to his fourth birthday. He's in preschool/daycare full time, and he still drives me crazy. Hope better days are coming soon.

[Chair]

Hon, this is exactly where I've been more than I care to think about lately. Maybe that's what preggo/post-pregg brain is about? Keeping us sane by letting us forget everything so easily? I have never cried so much, so often in my life than I have over the past few months. I wonder how the hell my mom did it with 5 kids. What the hell was I thinking having a second child (and the guilt that comes with questioning the poor, chubby, yummy little dude's existence)? ARGH.

[Megan]

I don't even have kids, I am just an innocent nanny... and I feel this way everyday.... sadness.... so you're not alone! =)